Lemongrab

"Adventure Time cast". Via Wikipedia
Of all the villains in Cartoon Network’s brilliant Adventure Time, Lemongrab might be my favorite. His origin story is very similar to Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, but where we might feel some sympathy toward Frankenstein’s monster, Lemongrab is so wretchedly awful, that we want only the worst for him. 

Princess Bubblegum, who eschews the common-place magic of the land of Ooo, and instead navigates her world through science, creates sentient candy people in her lab. One of her failed experiments is Lemongrab. Lemongrab is somehow incomplete and different; he has a kind of psychopathy characterized by extreme selfishness and violence, and has to be banished from the realm. In his isolation and alienation, he becomes so despondent, and even weirder, that PB creates a second cloned Lemongrab as a companion. This agrees with Lemongrab’s narcissism. Then things get very awful indeed.

The two Lemongrabs start taking the lifetime of candy that PB has left them and using the formulas of her candy science, they create more lemon people. But they’re not very good at it. The Lemon people that they create are twitching and malformed things, actually scary and uncanny in a Jacob’s Ladder sort of way. Lemongrab's kingdom soon runs out of food. Every one is starving except the original Lemongrab has become morbidly obese with a penchant for cannibalism, and has apparently taken a bite out of the head of the cloned Lemongrab, who also fears him. The kingdom has become a totalitarian prison state, full of starving, unhappy lemon people. As a satire, he is more Kim Jong Un than Ubu Roi.

It is at this point one has to be reminded that this is ostensibly a children’s program.

Lizards at the park

I'm something of a shutterbug, and each weekend, I like to wake up early, go to the nearby Nature Preserve, and take pictures.

The sidewalks at the preserve are the stomping grounds of yuppie joggers and their dogs. I'm self-aware enough to know that I don't belong among them. I wear rumpled khaki cargo shorts that I stuff with spare camera lens. Most everyone else wears expensive workout clothes. I just assume I'm a strange sight, a bespectacled middle aged guy who suddenly appears out of the bushes with a camera. I realize there is something unseemly about that.

I do get the occasional 'good morning' from people. Just today, a woman offered to help me get across a creek. I declined, being the tough guy that I am, and slipped my foot off of a rock and into the water.

Today, I was heading back to where I thought the entrance was --I'm always spending more time there than I intend to, as I can never find the entrance, and I have to endure a brief Blair Witch Project lost in the woods panic-- and I saw a leaf that was turning red. I stopped on the concrete path to fiddle with my camera, and then I saw a snake dart about in the leaves.

I have a irrational, primordial fear of snakes, but this one looked kind of "cute", if a snake can look cute. I tried to get a photo, but I didn't want to reach into the leaves. I was squatting down in my khaki shorts trying to get the best angle. A group of yuppie exercisers were walking my way. A whole family of them.

I said in my best 'Golly Gee! Don't that just beat all' voice, "There's a snake in there." Later while recounting this sad tale, my wife asked, "Did you actually say that in that tone of voice?"

No reaction from the walkers, and they did their best to avoid eye contact with me.

The exercisers walked away holding their water bottles, not even talking to each other. I thought to myself, "Yeah, keep on walking. Better not forget that water bottle. It can sometimes get to 88 degrees this time of the morning, and you're walking so briskly, it could get Lawrence of Arabia on your ass in no time. You might just die without a sip of water after thirty minutes of power walking. I kind of hope you do."

I then imagined them getting home, peeling off their special exercise clothes, calling dibs on the shower. You know, we really worked out hard today. Walking around at a pace above normal. Let's all go get Italian Gelato.

Yay! I'm gonna smear it all over my face and then the table. But Daddy, what was that man doing at the park today?

I don't know. He was probably homeless and lived in the forest. What do we do when we see a homeless person?

Call the police!

That-a-boy Timmy!

My name is Susan.

Whatever.

A dream of Stephen Hawking

I dreamt I was at school or college, and I was walking away from the campus. I saw Stephen Hawking, the scientist who is in a wheelchair and speaks through a computer.

I said, “Good day,” which is the greeting I always use at my Renaissance Fair gig.

Stephen Hawking was in the process of de-materializing in a science fiction sort of way. Like a Star Trek transporter, but more magical looking. He comes back and says, “What did you say?”

“Good day. I just mean, ‘Hello.’ Hello.”

He then starts speaking in French in his computer voice and wants me to repeat the words.

“Brioche... Répéter.”

Then abruptly, Stephen Hawking in English said, “Most people are aware of the where, but then get sketchy in the details.”

Then the alarm clock on my nightstand blared it’s annoying beeping, and it was time for Monday.

This morning, I’m mulling that phrase over in my head. I can’t decide if this is really a deep statement, or some kind of useless platitude that sounds like something profound, but really isn’t.

War Machine and Christy Mack

I’ve been eagerly, and somewhat guiltily, following the on-going tragedy of the MMA fighter known as ‘War Machine.” War Machine, née Jon Koppenhaver, has a history of violent assault and recently brutally beat his girlfriend and her friend. This is not the first time he has acted violently outside of the ring. He has served time in prison for violent assaults. At the time of this writing, he is still at large. 

One would think it would be easy to find a d-league celebrity like that, but I think there are so many obviously steroid-y jacked-out Jersey Shore types walking around, he might blend in.

I read a bit of WM’s twitter page. Not surprising, he comes across in his old tweets as both incredibly angry and self-pitying. Before this assault he seemed excited and happy to get his brown belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, but then went on for many angry tweets about the UPS man and how he wanted to get someone other than himself to fight him. He’s afraid of going back to jail.

War Machine was furiously angry because he supplements his income by selling  a t-shirt that says his catchphrase, “I DO ALPHA MALE SHIT.” Coincidentally, I was thinking about creating a shirt that said, “I DO INDEED SHIT, BECAUSE I EAT A DIET RICH IN FIBER.”

With MMA fighters, let’s say someone like former champions Randy Couture or George St. Pierre, we recognize that the sport is rough, but they as people aren’t actually violent. Much like the NFL and NHL, UFC and Bellator fighters are extremely aggressive, physically intimidating people, but I get the feeling that if I accidentally spilled a diet Dr. Pepper on one of them, they wouldn’t send me to the hospital.

Not so with War Machine. His injured girlfriend, Christy Mack, who at the time of this writing is still in the hospital for multiple serious injuries, is a porn star. War Machine has also appeared in adult films, so he knows that world. He was once invited to a birthday party for one of the performers. War Machine was angry with his agent, things escalate and then he punches his then previous girlfriend, the porn star, Alanah Rae. People tried to stop him, and many people were injured.

Quoting from and a probably Not Safe For Work website, Adult FYI by way of Cage Potato, a site dedicated to MMA.

“War Machine’s own agent, Derek Hay, looked to be the primary target with a couple of shots to the head. Mika Tan’s Ex was KO’d as well & sent to hospital. I never saw anything like it. War Machine was in kill mode. His fists were lethal weapons. Anyone who tried to get between him and Derek got taken down – hard…One guy was clocked and had three teeth knocked out. Another guy — an Asian — had his nose broken.
It seemed that every time someone tried to advise War Machine to mellow out or tried to talk sense to him, they got hit for their efforts. Maybe six guys in all got punched…The incident wound up with War Machine and Derek playing hide and seek with one another around a dumpster. Then at some point, both War Machine and Derek took off when someone threatened to call the cops.”

The reality tv star, Dog the Bounty Hunter, is on the case. War Machine is a very dangerous person, and if he were challenged by someone like DBH, I predict he would erupt into violence, maybe even murder. I’ve never seen Dog the Bounty Hunter’s show, but apparently he’s very good at capturing people, so God’s Speed, “Dog.” If that is your real name.

Dog should be careful. The website Bloody Elbow has uncovered an old tweet from 2009 that says, "When I am ready to die I will kill many and I will then kill myself and I will tape it. It will be rad."

We should take him at his word on this one.