Columbus Day

"You may call me Grand Admiral
of the Oceanic Sea."

Today is Columbus Day, which as far as holidays go, is now a source of some modern embarrassment, as well as irritation that banks and Post Offices are closed. Everyone is quick to point out that Columbus didn't technically discovered America, and Native Americans do have reason to be angry with him, as he was a vanguard of the Conquistadors. He did take natives back as human zoo specimens, an action that one would think would be immoral even through the lens of 1492 European values. The Spanish were okay with this, but the natives started killing themselves in a mass display of suicide after their women and goods were taken.

If Christopher Columbus should be honored as a historical personality, it's because of his personal magnetism, that stood out even in the rampant egotism of courtly noble life. We may not like Columbus today, but the nobles he consorted with, were enchanted by his personality.

Columbus wasn't a noble, but invented an elaborate back-story for himself that he was somehow descended from a certain Count Columbo of the Castle of Cuccaro. He also claimed the Roman general Colonius as direct descendent. He was actually the kid of a successful Italian cheese maker and wine merchant, but his nobility story was plausible enough, that he married up into a prominent Portuguese family. When I was a kid in Elementary School, there was a brief trend with some of my classmates to make the claim to be a direct descendant of the outlaw Jessie James. The impulse to lie about one's ancestry to seem more interesting is still with us.

Through his in-laws, he finagled his way into a meeting with the Portuguese King, Joãl II. Columbus, bold as brass, demanded that the King finance an expedition to Asia, by going West of course, and he wanted the modest and humble title, Grand Admiral of the Oceanic Sea. Columbus also demanded 10% of any loot that he discovered as a binding, ancestral title to his family, which would have made them some of the richest people on the planet.

King Joãl II was impressed with the sheer audacity of Columbus, but ultimately the King said something to the extent of, "Um...let's see. I think rather not."

Columbus would later move to Spain, and repeat this give-me-everything-I-want-because-I-deserve-it schtick to Spanish nobles, who through the force of Columbus' personality were receptive to the idea, but powerless to grant Columbus the titles he craved. This would change with the meeting of Queen Isabella, who did give Columbus everything he wanted, but not the 10% of the booty.

"This is for your own good, and you'll thank us later."

At the same time Columbus' exhibition was being financed, Queen Isabella and her husband, Ferdinand II, started a little something called the Spanish Inquisition. The Inquisition was institutionalized torture and murder on a mass scale, a movement so awful, that we still feel the pain of it after all these years.  In some respects, they were fundamentalist religious revolutionaries like Oliver Cromwell and the Ayathollah Khomeni, but they didn't take over the Spanish government – they were the government.  Isabella had a redeeming human quality; she disagreed with Columbus plans to enslave natives, but to no avail.

Of course, this is guilt by association. Isabella and Ferdinand were awful people, but one gets the feeling that Columbus would have accepted money from anyone. Columbus wasn't exactly a Conquistador, more like a Conquistador Lite.

Columbus was a megalomanic, but in his defense, he could pull off all the things he dreamt up, much like the late Steve Jobs. Isabella started one of the cruelest terror campaigns ever inflicted in Europe, as well as bloody adventures in the New World. I see no reason to celebrate Columbus Day, unless you work at a bank, and are needing a three-day weekend.

Things Happen When You Wear Eleganza!

Don't laugh, they're comfortable.

Ravenclaw Forever

Every so often I take online Harry Potter Hogwarts Sorting Hat quizzes. I always come up with Ravenclaw. This one claims to be the most scientific of the online Sorting Hats. So, there you go...

The sorting hat says that I belong in Ravenclaw!
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Said Ravenclaw, "We'll teach those whose intelligence is surest."

Ravenclaw students tend to be clever, witty, intelligent, and knowledgeable.
Notable residents include Cho Chang and Padma Patil (objects of Harry and Ron's affections), and Luna Lovegood (daughter of The Quibbler magazine's editor).

Take the most scientific Harry Potter Quiz ever created.
Get Sorted Now!

I swear I'm not trying to "game the system." I know the questions I could fake to get into the House I wanted, which would be a very Slytherin thing to do.

I know a lot of Slytherins, and get on with them really well. In these online quizzes, House of Slytherin always has a strong showing in my personality. Despite having produced more Dark Wizards than any other House, Slytherin really isn't so bad. Not many people know that most "Mommy Bloggers" are either Muggles or House of Slytherin. It's true.

Roger Scruton on 'Why Beauty Matters.'

This is a provocative polemic on the aesthetics of beauty, and why beauty is essential to civilization. It's quite long, about an hour, but I strongly recommend you allocate some time to watch it. I think this is an important topic, and it would mean a lot to me if my friends and allies watched it.


 You can read Roger Scruton's thoughts on this subject here:

Beauty and Desecration

Time to learn your ABCs, Daddio.

This is an interesting pedagogical strategy, that is pre-hippy, of letting children learn in whatever fashion they want. The kids in this video seem to feel they'll learn more if they constantly smoke cigarettes, ride motorcycles with wild abandon, and dress like members of The Cramps. The matter-of-fact narration describe the students as being, "allowed to find out for themselves whether conventions are good or bad." 




The school is trying to induce autodidacticism in these bee-bopping, leather-jacketed, kiddos. This is an astonishing approach whose only analog is home-schooling.

I would love to see a follow-up to see where these kids featured in the video are now. I suspect that unlike members of other British boarding schools, which are infamous worldwide for psychological cruelty, – if you don't eat your meat, how can you have any pudding?– these motorcycle ridin' kids probably grew up to be innovators in whatever field they chose. Sitting in a desk all day only prepares a kid for future cubicle work.

It seems like in the 1970s there was an educational movement, influenced by the Utopian politics of the hippies, that espoused the notion that the only rule, is there are no rules. The so-called Freedom School from the counter-culture film Billy Jack is an example I can think of, but I've never met anyone in real life who went to a school like that. An early Simpsons episode has Bart conning his way into a school for "gifted students" that allow the kids to set their own agenda. It doesn't work for Bart.

Looking at the educational histories of highly successful people, like Richard Branson and Bill Gates, it's hard not to notice that they took a different educational approach. Of course, I'm not suggesting that if you drop out of high school like Richard Branson, you'll wind up running a billion dollar empire like Virgin Atlantic like he did, you'll probably be destitute. But I like the idea of having kids discover their own path.

Thanks to Disinfo.com for the link!

Manic Pixie Dream Girls and Glamour Bombing

I always thought the Manic Pixie Dream Girl was a myth; a kind of quirky person, with child-like innocence, that only existed in romantic comedies. But they do exist, I've met a lot of MPDGs, who are mostly under the age of 25. When I ask them how they're doing, they say, "Happy!" real loud.

This sounds annoying. It really isn't. The world can be a dull, colorless, fluorescent bulb lit place. Culture puts a premium on being cool and aloof, and by its nature, sneers at novelty. The real-life MPDG seems like a reaction to disgruntled, seen-it-all bitterness. If people want to be quirky, even if it is an affected quirkiness, then more power to them. These girls only get into trouble when they realize that round-the-clock chipperness and positivity, isn't part of the human condition. Life gives us disappointment and defeat, and these truths are hard to deal with if one is in thrall to the Manic Pixie Dream Girl state.



Related to the idea of a real-life Manic Pixie Dream Girl, is the concept of Glamour Bombing. The Manic Pixie Dream Girl attempts to alter and skew reality by her very presence. Glamour Bombing is more anonymous. Glamour Bombing can be done by anyone, even you, dear reader, and is related, and perhaps a subset of Culture Jamming. Glamour Bombing has a less subversive nature than Culture Jamming, and is akin to doing "random acts of kindness." Yarn Bombing created by anonymous knitters, is wonderful example of this.

The quintessential example of Glamour Bombing is from the French movie, Amélie. The title character, who is really more of a Subdued Pixie Dream Girl, creates elaborate pranks, that try and make the world  a stranger, magical place.

So get busy, and make the world weirder. I won't tell anyone.

Jesters, A Much-Needed Branch of Government

I've always had a fascination with jesters. A jester was a professional entertainer, an invited member of court, who had the power to tell a monarch anything, unlike the sycophants at court. In a world, where appearance and reputation were everything, jesters behaved in the exact opposite of courtly conventions. Instead of trying to appear important, their distinctive hat reminds us of the jackass.

Every culture has some form of clown. But I really can't think of any worldwide analog to jesters, which I think have a political aspect. The only candidate I can think of is the heyoka of the Lakota. The heyoka consciously behaved opposite to reality and convention. In other words, the heyoka would laugh at tragic news, ride their horses backwards, and pretend to be freezing during heat waves. In the film, Little Big Man, one of the first of a bunch of movies where White Honkys save indigenous people, (eg. Dances With Wolves, Avatar), I always liked the ridiculous heyoka behavior.

I once read, in an obscure and dusty library book, that Jesters would paint their faces white, to remind the King of his own mortality. Memento Mori. Alas, Poor Yorick, Hamlet's old beloved jester, is known more for the death anxiety that his skull elicits than any jokes he told.

I think society, particularly politics and the religion of celebrity worship, could benefit from official and unofficial jesters. We have unofficial Jesters who are greatly rewarded. On the Left Wing, there is Jon Stewart and the Daily Show. On the Libertarian Right, there is South Park. Politically opposite, both are unrepentant truth tellers whose job it is to remind us the Emperor Wears No Clothes. Some extreme political camps have no Jesters, only naive buffoons.

I think it would be good thing, especially if we continue to have a Two Party System, to have a First Jester, who would have his or her own staff of Merry Andrews and Merry Andreas (Andrewlinas? What is the feminine version of Andrew?). This position would be elected, but not by popular vote. The losing Party would be able to appoint their own Jester. I could see situations where political partys, might take a fall, just so they could get their Jester in to mouth off wise cracks during press conferences.

Helpful Tip

For lunch today I went to a "Mongolian Grill" style restaurant. They had installed new high-tech touch screen thing-a-ma-jigs at the table, which would let you instantly order a drink or a brownie sundae, without bothering the wait staff. Real Star Trek kind of stuff. Truly, we live in the future.

When it was time to pay, my elderly Asian waitress decided to help me by showing me how the whole thing worked. I don't think I needed this assistance; I've been to the self-checkout line at the grocery store, but I went along with it.

The touch screen asked, "How Satisfied Were You With This Experience?" 


Our waitress peered over my shoulder, "Put in whatever you want."

Naturally, I punched in, Highly Satisfied. I'm a very good person. Maybe they'll give her a gold star if she collects enough of them.

Then, things got awkward. Our table-side Star Trek tricorder asked, "What Would You Like To Tip?"

As a helpful start, it suggested the exorbitant amount of 20%, and showed what kind of tip that would look like.

Again, my waitress encouraged me to, "Put in whatever you want."

I'm sure it's really hard to work in a restaurant, but after an awkward pause waiting for her to leave, I hit the little less than button, and while I was clicking the button – boop, boop, boop – she stood over my shoulder and watched her tip slowly diminish. Feeling much guilt, I stopped at 16%. I told myself that was still a lot.

John Cleese On Creativity.

John Cleese - a lecture on Creativity from janalleman on Vimeo.

Where Are These? I Want To Purchase Them, Immediately.

Magic Last Night

I had a great time performing magic last night at Volvo of Dallas in Frisco.

Station Identification

You are reading the blog of Mr. Brad Ingle. 

A New Kind of Beauty

Your daily moment of future shock.

Philip Toledano photographs a new, emerging standard of beauty, that seems to be based not on makeup or fashion trends, but surgery. (NSFW, partial nudity.)

A new face is emerging. It is almost elfin, and has never existed until recently. I find it unsettling. This look is not isolated. I saw this face at the gym just this week.

Unsolicited Advice (#1 in an ongoing series.)

I've participated in Social Media for some time now, and I've noticed a curious phenomena that you should avoid.

It is perfectly acceptable to submit posts like this:

"DANG! I GOT A SORE THROAT MUST BE TOO MANY TEQUILA SHOTS! PARTY!!! WOOOO! SPRING BREAK 2012, BEE-YOTCHES! LOL!"

It is not okay to do this:  

"Once again, I'm getting sick. My throat hurts. Probably tonsillitis, which is the last thing I need. Not that anyone cares."

After the Sad Sack post, the poster's well-meaning friends immediately swoop down, and being primates, electronically pat-pat them on their head to make the hurt go away.

"Hang in there Gina. I'm thinking of you."

Sore Throat Gina gets a kind of charge out of this. Posting illness updates pays immediate dividends in sympathy, and the electronic equivalent of a hug, but the long term effects are devastating. Sore Throat Gina will start to seek more electronic hugs.

"Went to the doctor. Had to take off work, again. My boss totally berated me for taking off more work. I would get a lawyer, and sue her ass, but the thing is, I need this job. Anyway, the doctor says it's allergies. I absolutely don't have the money for medication. I don't know what I'm going to do."

"Hang in there Gina. I'm thinking of you."

Secretly to herself: "Yesss...delicious sympathy. I drink it up like sweet nectar."

I'm not bullshitting to be funny. I've seen people, in as little time as a year, turn into shambling wrecks over stuff like this. They start to crave the attention so much that their immune systems turn off, just so they can stay sick, and keep the spotlight on themselves. I'm not sure if this is the same thing as hypochondria, as Sore Throat Gina-types genuinely do get sick. An emergency room visit is in Sore Throat Gina's immediate future, one that she will tell you, she can't pay for.

Don't be a Sore Throat Gina. It will ruin your health.

Spaghetti Sci Fi

I'm pretty sure I'll be showing this at stately Ingle Manor soon. I'm proud to say I saw Starcrash in the theater.

The opening credits say, "You are about to be HURLED..." Truer words were never spoken.

Italians know how to do Westerns better than Americans, they understand the mythology of the Old West better than the country of its origin. Giallo and Italians horror films are popular, Mario Bava and Dario Argento are known to many Americans. Italians know how to make entertaining movies, so it is strange that their Sci Fi is so... so bad. These movies are painted with such a large brush, that they sometimes not always manages to transcend their campiness and become a kind of poetry.

Star Crash has these moments of campy transcendence. It may be the bright colors, or the cheap costumes, which looked like something your mom sewed for you; they have the charm of an Elementary School Christmas pageant. Caroline Munroe, my favorite B-Movie actress, is beautiful as Stella Star. The design of Stella's robot companion is interesting, but then he opens his mouth and starts speaking with a Miner-Forty Niner old prospector dialect. C'mon Stella, I reckon we gotta run! The preposterous and long-winded plot is pretty much good guys versus bad guys, but one gets the feeling that the heroine, Stella Star, a space smuggler or something, dips into morally ambivalent territory. Think old-school Han Solo, when he shot Greedo first.

I always conflate other Spaghetti Sci Fi movies, like War of the Robots and Star Odyssey. They re-use costumes, props, and scenes from different movies.  Aliens – or we're they robots?– with blond, Prince Valient wigs, were really popular. I remember watching these films on UHF stations, but I can't tell you what they were about. Most of the time, the plots were so tedious and rambling, that I forced myself to watch them.

When these awful movies were on TV, my friend would call me, "Are you watching this?" Even in Junior High School, when we were desperate and forgiving of all sci fi and fantasy movies, we couldn't stand these films.

Costumes. Yeah, we got 'em.

Happy Lupercalia

Happy Lupercalia everyone!

Lupercalia by http://mysteriousglow.com/images/luper.jpg is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.

Facebook

Facebook comments from friends, acquaintances, and family members run the gamut of competing grab-bag reality tunnels. Every day I hear the benefits of being a Fundamentalist Christian, Militant Atheist, Objectivist, Marxist, Anarcho-Capitalist Libertarian, Hippy-Dippy New Ager, Conservative, Liberal, et al. 

All of these competing lifestyles will work just fine "if only Those Other People would just do <insert moral & ethical imperative> ." 

I just want to read and write about funny things and I'm sick of the scolding talk by liberals and conservatives. However, Facebook is totalizing in modern life, and there is no 'saying goodbye.'