A Scientific Investigation of Dunking.

Skeptics in our modern age recoil at the idea of testing for witchcraft. We are taught since grade school, that Trials by Ordeal such as dunking accused witches in water to see if they float, are to be dismissed as stupid superstition. But if we are to truly be empiricists, we must approach these claims as scientifically as possible.

I went down to the local New Age bookstore and asked self-professed witches to volunteer for this experiment. If they were really indeed witches, they would float as most witches are not baptized or have renounced their baptism. My offer was refused. An experiment was set up with a small doll-size simulacrum of a witch and dunked into ~475 ml of water. 

As you can see by the preliminary reaction. The small doll rested comfortably on the bottom of the beaker of water. The doll was dressed as a witch, but the preliminary result of this test for witchcraft would have vindicated her as innocent. She did not float at all, as witches must. It is suspected that water is the most pure element, and witches being in communion with Lucifer, and other Agents of Evil, would naturally float away from water.

On the next day of the experiment, I observed massive changes to the doll. The body was distorted and bloated. As unpleasant as it is to contemplate, dead bodies in water become bloated. I thought nothing of it. Again, our "witch" was nothing of the sort.

The following day, my heart sank as the doll continued to grow. I should have ended the demonstration but curious as to the effect, I continued the experiment.

The next day, as the photo shows, her witch hat pokes out of the water. Her feet are barely touching the glass. I fear for my sanity but continue the experiment.

I was shocked to discover this shocking tableau on the final day of the experiment. The witch is no longer floating, and is now commanding my own pet cat. I have always heard stories that witches were able to influence wild beasts. I immediately halted the experiment and took the witch outside. My pet returned to normal.

I conclude that Trial by Dunking is an adequate test of witchcraft, but it must be done over the course of a few days.